Hello world!

Hello All, my name is Lisa and this is my first ever blog post. How exciting!

I decided to start a blog this year but I did not know what it would be about. A few weeks ago, I came to the decision that I wanted to start the process of weaning off my anti-depressants. One of my healthy outlets of my mental illness is writing, so a blog would be a very natural process for me, however I am not used to having an audience to my writing! This blog, is obviously a very personal matter for me and I hope that my readers will be able to share in my honest and (most probably) sometimes funny account of how this will go.

So, a little on my background: I am the eldest of two. I have a brother that is four years younger than I am and we are both very close with my parents. My mother is Peruvian and she lives in NZ with my father, who is a Kiwi. Growing up, my brother and I had the wonderful opportunity to see the world as we constantly went to Peru and back for Christmas every two years. In Lima, we spent the summers with my mothers side of the family and these are very happy memories. When I finished high school I attended the University of Canterbury and graduated with a  Bachelor of Arts degree majoring in Political Science and English. Since then, I have been working in office administration and spending my time planning my next holiday which has resulted in me visiting Peru, Argentina, Chile, Cuba, USA, Rarotonga and Europe. I have recently come back from a six and a half month solo trip around Europe, California and Peru.

My depression: So my life sounds pretty great really. No big traumas, no sudden deaths, no accidents. Why do I have depression? Good question. Sometimes I ask that of myself and it’s frustrating because I am aware of how lucky I am. But that’s depression, I guess. Knowing that you “should” be happy and “being” happy are two different things and they cause a lot of grief for not only myself but for a lot of people. I started my course of anti-depressants when I was 22 years old. I had finished university and had come back from a trip of South America with one of my best friends. I was in a relationship with a loving boyfriend and I was facing a world of opportunity.  Except it didn’t feel that way. Instead, I felt overwhelmed and deeply under qualified. It started to eat away at me and my self confidence and there was nothing I could do or that anyone else could do to stop me from drowning in the sink hole my mind had created. I constantly questioned my ability at anything – feelings of not being good enough ate away at me and it was all too much. Eventually, I went to the doctor and was told that I had depression. I didn’t want anti-depressants initially so the doctor recommended a study of physcotherapy that was being held at Christchurch Public Hospital which was based on talking therapy. I distinctly remember coming into the little office by the hospital each week and filling out a multi choice form where I had to rate (from 1 to 10) to which degree did I feel suicidal. The questions surrounded this topic and I felt like a failure. The talking therapy didn’t help and I eventually succumbed to taking Citalopram. I don’t quite remember feeling better but I guess I got normality back for a while and this masked my depression. Eventually, over the past few years I would continue with depressive bouts and increase my medication, then swapped to Venlafaxine which has since increased since my initial dose. Can I say that I’m better? Yes. Is it due to the medication? I don’t know. Since being on the medication I have still hit rock bottom (multiple times) and felt suicidal. I have had to fight for my health in the healthcare system while treating my ongoing mental illness, which is something that I will talk about at a later stage.

So why choose to take myself off medication if I am doing alright? This isn’t an overnight decision, but one that I have toyed with for about a year now. It’s frightening and the way I see going off medication is like being in a glider where I have to be in control once I’m let go. It’s a terrifying thought because I am now 29 and I have spent most of my twenties on medication. Can I be in control once I let go? I believe I can. I’m a lot different, stronger, more resilient and wiser than I was when I was 22. Priorities have changed for me, I have accepted some things and let go of others. I know who to rely on and who not to. I know relying on myself and looking after my mental (and physical) wellbeing are paramount to living the best life I can. I feel well enough equipped to the resources that I have around me to deal with what life throws at me. I know that if I cannot fly solo completely – that is not the end of the world. I accept that it would not be a failure but I am willing to try. I called this page ‘finding me’ because I would like to see who I am when I am off the medication. I want to find who I will be on the other side and I believe that taking this step is the next step in my mental health and life journey – life begins at the end of your comfort zone – as I have heard (and witnessed many times before).

I’m excited and ready to do this and also terrified to share this on a social platform. How embarrasing to reveal oneself to strangers and friends alike. But I’m doing this not only for myself but for others that are battling some kind of mental health issue. I don’t believe being on anti-depressants is a bad thing and everybody is different but I don’t want to be on on medication if I no longer have to be. Mental health is close to my heart because of my own personal journey and obviously this is something that NZ struggles with as well because of the high suicide rates of people here. I feel passionately about helping others and finding ways to do this. I love writing and I find that this could be helpful to some – to make yourself vulnerable is a strength. I believe if we want to make things better then we need to start with ourselves and what we do and how we treat others. I think that’s more powerful than laws but laws do sure help! I personally think that the mental health system needs more work as I have seen so many cases (including my own) where there has not been care taken and I have felt left out. But I will talk about that later.

In the mean time, I hope you found my entry interesting enough to read more as I continue this blog.

Take care,

L