My journey off antidepressants

Hello All,

 

So it has been more or less three weeks since I have started my decreased meds journey. It has been overall pretty good and this is down to several factors: me being aware of the symptoms that are associated with taking a lower dose/ keeping up with my exercise and mindfulness/ support from family and friends.  These are all equally important factors to making the process a lot easier for me. I wanted to post this blog on Facebook, however I don’t think I am brave enough to do so yet. I have told friends and family though and I have had nothing but unconditional support. I think that’s really important to me because I have had some days where I’ve been feeling quite anxious or not quite “up to it” and the fact that they know what I am going through allows them to be understanding and supportive. One thing that I have noticed is that alcohol affects the way I feel and I have known this fact for a long time. It’s hard not to drink, which sounds really terrible, but the society I live in is based around social drinking which makes you feel unsocial if you don’t have a glass in your hand. It’s really sad. Alcohol is a depressant and not only lowers my mood afterwards but sometimes if I have too much I get intoxicated much faster and don’t like the physical effects it has.  I would really like to drink less in general so I am starting a three week alcohol ban starting today. Let’s see how this goes…I don’t have any known plans this weekend but I will have a 30th on the 1st of April. I know I’ll feel better for it. The difficulty arises when I’ll be around others drinking. It would be so easy to just have one, but I need to do this for my health and to see how it affects me mentally so here goes – wish me luck!!

Something else I would like to talk about is exercise. Last year my best friend and I began running.I’m not sure if there was a particular goal in mind but I think we both wanted to get fitter and our long walks progressed into short (like two minute) runs which slowly grew in time and distance. Now don’t get me wrong – I am NO runner. At school I preferred to chat to my friends or read a book than get active. I didn’t play sport – partially out of disinterest and also because of low self esteem. I wasn’t co-ordinated. I once recall a PE teacher telling me to go sit back down again because he just couldn’t teach me how to bowl a ball correctly. I didn’t play team sports because I was sure I’d let my team down and I was afraid of being judged. So I gave up any notions of being active for my teenage years and into my early twenties. I tried running several times in the recent years only to stop after several minutes with a raw burning sensation in my throat and gasping for air. Yesterday my best friend and I ran 14k in under two hours with energy to spare at the finish line. I didn’t even have to sit down nor was I out of breath. It felt AMAZING.  It hasn’t been an easy road. I lost almost all my fitness after being away seven months travelling but it took determination and self discipline to get training again and you know what? The fitness came back faster!! Starting running again has been a huge boost to my self confidence and my mood – which is why it’s SO important for me to talk about it here. I do truly, one hundred percent believe in the mental curing powers of exercise. Our bodies have been made to move. Our bodies are capable of doing amazing things when we put our mind to it, and trust me – the mind does follow. If you’re feeling down or suffering from depression it is crucial that you MOVE. Sometimes that is just the act of moving out of bed into the shower or into some new clothes. Whatever it is, it is a step forward. I understand how debilitating and physically crippling depression can be and how impossible running 14k seems. It’s easy for me to say that. But you know what? I didn’t look at the big picture. Hell, I didn’t even think it was possible for me to run 5k! But putting one foot in front of the other is not only the most basic step, but the most important one. My mood didn’t change overnight – I didn’t wake up the next day after a run and say “oh that’s cool, i’m good now”. Nope. It takes time to build that up, but it does give you hope. I went to Zumba classes or walks even if I wasn’t in the mood. I resented mum for pushing me out of bed. But I’m glad I did it. I’m glad she did it. If you find it difficult to be active on your own then seek out a buddy. Everyone is bound to know someone who walks or runs or goes to classes. And it’s OK to say “hey i’m feeling really down but I want to start being active. Will you come for a walk with me or can I join you at your local class next time you go?” you would be surprised to know how many people will be willing to help – and honored that you asked them. That’s what real family and friends are for! And maybe once you start telling people about your own mental health journey you would be surprised to learn that maybe they have been on a similar one, or at least be a shoulder to lean on. Anyway, back to exercise – when I was in Peru I started feeling a little down. I was nearing the end of my trip, I was hot ALL the time from the weather and I was bored. It was too hot to go anywhere, I was low on money so wasn’t going out so much and I was a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of going home. So I started walking again. There’s a man-made lake about two k’s away and I started walking down to it and back. The positive thoughts started to flood my mind once more. I was sweating my heart out but I was on a mission. I felt good! It’s amazing how much just getting active again and getting that heart rate up helped my mood. I started having hopeful feelings about my future and ideas and felt really enthusiastic at life. It was like exercise was the kick start I needed to power up my positive thinking and happiness once again. I was amazed. And you know what? It’s free! We have the ability (if we have two functioning legs) to walk anywhere. Really take in the smells, the sights and the sounds. I walked in the evening as the Peruvian desert sun was much too powerful during the day. I looked at all the houses, the colored birds, the smell of cooking (Peruvian food is THE BEST) and relished in the warm breeze and sound of Latin music in the distance. I enjoyed watching children play down by the lake, the sunset colors on the waters surface and the chatter of older people out walking. I felt genuinely happy because exercise was able to let me embrace my surroundings and live in the moment, which I truly believe is a characteristic of real happiness.  So do try exercise when feeling down. You’ll get there. I did. Not to say I still don’t feel down. I fight the feelings every day but I’m winning. I’m accepting and I’m doing the best that I can.

Talk soon.

 

Lisa xx

Hello all,

Once again, my apologies for not updating faster – my laptop has come down with a virus which makes it less convenient to write (I am currently using my mothers computer in the office) and I have been so busy meeting up with people and socializing (I cannot lie!).

So, last Monday I finally got my doctors visit. It went wonderfully. I explained to the doctor my past with depression and anti-depressants. He asked me why I was choosing to wean off them and what resources I had to help me with my depression. He is a doctor of my best friend who came highly recommended and I can see why. Hes a very good listener and practical. He is not condescending and he is willing to understand where you are coming from and why. I didn’t feel rushed in my appointment and we were even able to talk about my recent trip. Upon leaving the doctors office I felt a wave of emotion, relief and happiness, so much so that I got a bit teary. It’s so nice to find a medical professional that supports your decision and listens. I felt a bit sad that it’s taken me so long to find someone like this and that I should be so elated in itself (should it be that hard to find a good doctor?), but I walked away feeling hopeful.

So what is the process he has set up for me? The doctor said that everyone is different and that when a doctor suggests a weaning period it is normally based on an indicative method (used by all doctors) that goes by the rate of which the chemicals leave the body. I explained that there was only a two week period in which I changed from Citalopram to Venlafaxine (where it was pure hell) and he said that it would have been from a higher recommendation than coming from the general practitioner himself.  My current dosage of Venlafaxine is made up of two tablets that I take daily: x1 75mg and x1 37.5mg. The doctors suggestion was that for the next few months I take my dose of 75mg as per usual and my 37.5mg every other day. He told me it would realistically take about six months for the overall process of weaning off the drug and I was more than happy at that. I’m not about being rushed or going into this to get off it as soon as possible. I’m well aware of the come down effects – so I am happy to be taking my time at this.

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Yesterday I took only one tablet.

I was fine until about mid-afternoon where I started to feel…odd. Bizarre. Not quite myself. Hard to put an explanation on it really. I had a headache and felt dizzy. I felt cold and tired. One eyelid hurt. I put it down to the missing pill. I felt bad because I was going to go for a walk with my friend but I couldn’t even think about walking downstairs. My friends have been so supportive, as have my family. My mother checked up on me several times and brought me chocolate. I napped and woke up a few hours later. I’m feeling a bit emotional and quite vulnerable. Before the effects hit in I was asked to go have lunch with some older family friends. During lunch, one of the women turned to me and asked if I had considered freezing my eggs (I am almost thirty). She also asked if I met anyone nice overseas and when I responded that I hadn’t she pulled a funny face and told me better luck next time. Normally, I brush off these silly comments but I was left feeling upset about this. I know it’s none of her business to say such things – there is a myriad of reasons why people don’t have children these days, all personal and all legitimate. But it really upset me.  I wasn’t prepared to be antagonized but I suppose I need to be weary of who I spend time with while I am going through a period like this. It’s a shame I have to be wary at all but that’s life and you need to look after yourself first. Luckily, I have so many good people in my life that outweigh the bad and I am currently surrounded by them. My friend came over and delivered me Filipino spring rolls and had tea with my mother and I. We didn’t have to talk about the problem but her presence was good and supportive enough.  Today I am at home with the animals. I am currently waiting to hear back to see if I have got a job. I really hope I get it so fingers crossed. I am mentally prepared for the prospect of not getting it too. I want to go for a run (I have a 14k race coming up next week) so I will try that and see how I go. My aim is to run around 6k today. I still feel odd. Not quite myself, which is ironic considering the name of this domain! I feel out of body like I am floating. I want to be open to others about what I am going through because I don’t want this to be taboo. I don’t want people to think you can’t talk about this…which is one of the reasons I am keeping this blog. I hope that anyone reading this isn’t suffering in silence. People are more supportive than you take them for and if all else fails then anyone can talk to me and I’d be more than honored to lend a listening ear.

Anyway I better get on with my day. I need to make a list of things that need being done (lists keep me sane) and convince myself to do this run….joy!!

Take care everyone xx

 

Sorry it has been a while since I have made my last post! Life has got in the way.

Still have yet to make my appointment with my doctor. It’s for a new doctor because my last has left for Dunedin and this new one comes as a recommendation from my best friend. I haven’t had much luck with doctors since I have been diagnosed with depression. I have had several. I know it’s important to find one that feels right for you and so that is what I have been doing. After the earthquakes in Christchurch I found myself constantly getting up in the night to use the bathroom. Sometimes up to eight times! I felt like a pregnant woman or somebody with bladder problems! I know this was my bodies response to the stress and anxiety surrounding the events so I went to see my GP about this. She put me on sleeping pills. I hated them, they made me feel drunk and I would sway as I walked to the bathroom before getting into bed. I slurred my words and would pass out only to wake up a few hours later anyway. Plus it didn’t really resolve my anxiety problem. The real issue. I later found out that there was free counseling sessions for earthquake related stress which is what I really would have liked. I decided to leave this doctor and found a new GP that was closer to home. I wasn’t much a fan of him either. He was very evasive and once, when I was speaking to him about my depression, he answered a phone call during mid-speech to only be notified that someone had arrived. I found that disrespectful and unprofessional. He would also ask my opinion a lot, once asking if I had looked online regarding my symptoms. My last GP was close to my work which was convenient. Things were ok with her and she even managed to get me my free counseling (something not one of my other doctors had suggested to me), however before my holiday she made several errors on prescriptions of my venlafaxine, once, confusing it with antibiotics and also putting the wrong amounts on. I had to call the nurses several time, was made to feel stupid for something that was not my fault, and eventually had to write a letter to get through to them which my father delivered (at this point i had left the country). The medication was given to my father who brought them to me in south america last year.  So, fingers crossed for my next GP!

It’s hard when you have depression and you have a doctor that is not right for you or doesn’t understand you. It’s hard enough to pick up the phone and get yourself an appointment. I have learnt that you need to push to get the services you need for mental health. You need to ask the questions. You need to write down your health issues on paper as once you’ve waited 45 anxious minutes in the doctors waiting room – all of what you were going to say flies out your head! I got used to being spoken to but then I learnt to speak back. I had to do my research about what I was entitled for. Sometimes I had to push for it. I have found a very good counsellor (one that suits me as those too are all dependent on your vibe with them) and I would have not found him had I not consistently asked for one. I wish it were easier. I worry for the people more vulnerable than me who suffer from extreme anxiety and depression who have no way of speaking up, only to go home later and cry because the appointment felt like a waste of time. I was once like that. I do know you’re allowed to take a support person to your appointment or even ask for one during your visit. I know this because I have taken the time to read about it. But it’s hard when you’re unmotivated and I totally get that. Maybe in time I can collate a list of things to consider when seeing your doctor regarding your depression. Another goal to add to my ever growing list!

In the meantime, I have a job interview tomorrow so I must prepare for that. Not anxious, just excited. Will be good to earn money again!

 

Take care,

 

L xxx

 

 

 

Hello All, my name is Lisa and this is my first ever blog post. How exciting!

I decided to start a blog this year but I did not know what it would be about. A few weeks ago, I came to the decision that I wanted to start the process of weaning off my anti-depressants. One of my healthy outlets of my mental illness is writing, so a blog would be a very natural process for me, however I am not used to having an audience to my writing! This blog, is obviously a very personal matter for me and I hope that my readers will be able to share in my honest and (most probably) sometimes funny account of how this will go.

So, a little on my background: I am the eldest of two. I have a brother that is four years younger than I am and we are both very close with my parents. My mother is Peruvian and she lives in NZ with my father, who is a Kiwi. Growing up, my brother and I had the wonderful opportunity to see the world as we constantly went to Peru and back for Christmas every two years. In Lima, we spent the summers with my mothers side of the family and these are very happy memories. When I finished high school I attended the University of Canterbury and graduated with a  Bachelor of Arts degree majoring in Political Science and English. Since then, I have been working in office administration and spending my time planning my next holiday which has resulted in me visiting Peru, Argentina, Chile, Cuba, USA, Rarotonga and Europe. I have recently come back from a six and a half month solo trip around Europe, California and Peru.

My depression: So my life sounds pretty great really. No big traumas, no sudden deaths, no accidents. Why do I have depression? Good question. Sometimes I ask that of myself and it’s frustrating because I am aware of how lucky I am. But that’s depression, I guess. Knowing that you “should” be happy and “being” happy are two different things and they cause a lot of grief for not only myself but for a lot of people. I started my course of anti-depressants when I was 22 years old. I had finished university and had come back from a trip of South America with one of my best friends. I was in a relationship with a loving boyfriend and I was facing a world of opportunity.  Except it didn’t feel that way. Instead, I felt overwhelmed and deeply under qualified. It started to eat away at me and my self confidence and there was nothing I could do or that anyone else could do to stop me from drowning in the sink hole my mind had created. I constantly questioned my ability at anything – feelings of not being good enough ate away at me and it was all too much. Eventually, I went to the doctor and was told that I had depression. I didn’t want anti-depressants initially so the doctor recommended a study of physcotherapy that was being held at Christchurch Public Hospital which was based on talking therapy. I distinctly remember coming into the little office by the hospital each week and filling out a multi choice form where I had to rate (from 1 to 10) to which degree did I feel suicidal. The questions surrounded this topic and I felt like a failure. The talking therapy didn’t help and I eventually succumbed to taking Citalopram. I don’t quite remember feeling better but I guess I got normality back for a while and this masked my depression. Eventually, over the past few years I would continue with depressive bouts and increase my medication, then swapped to Venlafaxine which has since increased since my initial dose. Can I say that I’m better? Yes. Is it due to the medication? I don’t know. Since being on the medication I have still hit rock bottom (multiple times) and felt suicidal. I have had to fight for my health in the healthcare system while treating my ongoing mental illness, which is something that I will talk about at a later stage.

So why choose to take myself off medication if I am doing alright? This isn’t an overnight decision, but one that I have toyed with for about a year now. It’s frightening and the way I see going off medication is like being in a glider where I have to be in control once I’m let go. It’s a terrifying thought because I am now 29 and I have spent most of my twenties on medication. Can I be in control once I let go? I believe I can. I’m a lot different, stronger, more resilient and wiser than I was when I was 22. Priorities have changed for me, I have accepted some things and let go of others. I know who to rely on and who not to. I know relying on myself and looking after my mental (and physical) wellbeing are paramount to living the best life I can. I feel well enough equipped to the resources that I have around me to deal with what life throws at me. I know that if I cannot fly solo completely – that is not the end of the world. I accept that it would not be a failure but I am willing to try. I called this page ‘finding me’ because I would like to see who I am when I am off the medication. I want to find who I will be on the other side and I believe that taking this step is the next step in my mental health and life journey – life begins at the end of your comfort zone – as I have heard (and witnessed many times before).

I’m excited and ready to do this and also terrified to share this on a social platform. How embarrasing to reveal oneself to strangers and friends alike. But I’m doing this not only for myself but for others that are battling some kind of mental health issue. I don’t believe being on anti-depressants is a bad thing and everybody is different but I don’t want to be on on medication if I no longer have to be. Mental health is close to my heart because of my own personal journey and obviously this is something that NZ struggles with as well because of the high suicide rates of people here. I feel passionately about helping others and finding ways to do this. I love writing and I find that this could be helpful to some – to make yourself vulnerable is a strength. I believe if we want to make things better then we need to start with ourselves and what we do and how we treat others. I think that’s more powerful than laws but laws do sure help! I personally think that the mental health system needs more work as I have seen so many cases (including my own) where there has not been care taken and I have felt left out. But I will talk about that later.

In the mean time, I hope you found my entry interesting enough to read more as I continue this blog.

Take care,

L